I'm going to complain because I think I've earned it.

What inspired me to write this blog post was a word that crossed my mind while on a drive.  Downtrodden.  I discovered that the definition of the term is not what I was thinking, but I am feeling how it sounds.  Here were are, 18 months later.  I've been through so much with my parents and quite frankly I am tired of being tired.  I have been depressed for so long and completely exhausted.  Yes, this is going to be a complain post, but I think I'm entitled to it.  I have been managing my Dad's medical since early 2020, taking him to appointments, finding and scheduling caregivers, training assistants, communicating medical updates to family and friends, diffusing situations, physically transporting and transferring my Dad, being a nutritionist, a cook, a housekeeper, a supervisor and babysitter, a reminder system, a "wellbeing" coach to my Mom, an in-home "doctor", a medical researcher, a critical thinker, a handyman, an errand runner... you get it.. but the list goes on.  I'm tired because I moved back home from late January through early July for 7 days a week to assist all while "trying" to manage and maintain some semblance of my own life BUT it just wasn't possible.  People do it, BUT we weren't built to manage full-time caregiving work while managing a full-time job JOB when you've been given several new responsibilities.  I put on a tough face and worked through it all daily but wasn't really paying attention to just how much of a toll it was taking on my body, both mentally, emotionally and physically. I haven't seen many of my friends, haven't been on any trips, haven't had much "me" time, haven't been smiling or laughing or enjoying a life that a 39-year old should be having.  Instead I've been feeling guilty when I am away from my parents because the responsibility falls on my Mom and overwhelmed and overworked when I am with them.  When your parent needs round-the-clock care and your other parent has selflessly put their own needs aside to care for their spouse, you end up having two parents that need round-the-clock care.  I've picked up some really bad habits that I'd put aside years ago.  Smoking and drinking, smoking and drinking, smoking and drinking.  Hiding my bad habits from others because I'm ashamed.  On top of that, being away from my home, I have not been working out properly and without as much time to cook, eating poorly.  I'm unhappy with my appearance because I feel like the stress has aged me 10 years (no exaggeration).  My life has been falling apart.  I read  so many articles about taking care of someone with advanced dementia (definitely a part of Dad's condition even though after 20 tests we still don't have a diagnosis) and I consistently read, it strips the patient and the caregiver of life.  I don't feel like myself any more.  I feel like I'm in this alternate universe where you are constantly trying to catch up but can't find your way back to center.  All I know is that I'm kind of at a point where I really do need to make some changes, so I'm going to try.  Otherwise I'm going to look up years from now and notice that all of the wear and tear on my body has taken years off of my life.  I can't have that.  I want to be healthy and happy again. I want to date again.  I want to travel again.  I want to smile and laugh again.  I want to not worry so much anymore or feel guilty.  I just want to feel like I'm living a life that is manageable.  So, now that we have 4 caregivers on rotation and I've moved back to my home for 4 days out of the week to focus on my work, I'm hoping I can take the opportunity to be a little more present.  Something has got to give because I cannot continue to go on like I have for so long.  Anyway, I'm done complaining for the day.